Saturday, December 4, 2010

Holes Have Gravitational Pull On Me

I have this thing where I somehow manage to find any hole in the ground and promptly fall into it. My friends think it's hilarious.

I don't know how or why it happens. One minute, I'm walking along just fine, the next, I've prat-fallen onto my face, butt, or pocket where my keys are. No one else I'm around does this. No one else is standing around, then takes a step to the side and falls in a random hole. It's always me. I even started keeping track of this occurrences. It's. Always. Me.

One night at a summer cookout, I took a step back and fell into a random hole. I didn't know the hole was there as the grass growing in the hole was the same height as the grass growing everywhere else. My friends, of course, laughed hysterically with their usual comments about me finding the hole. My retort of "That's what she said" didn't help me feel any better.

While rock hunting in some badlands I had the good fortune of stepping through a salt evaporate crust into a crevasse. Fortunately, the crevasse was only wide enough to accommodate one leg, but as I laid there with my crotch on the hot sand and my leg and thigh dangling into the abyss, I couldn't help thinking of Tremors and how any minute, I was going to be eaten.

Just last week, I stepped off a curb onto the snowy street to get to my car and somehow stepped into the one hole there. Just for good measure, the hole was filled with icy water, so my shoe and pant leg was nice and soaked. Naturally, I stepped in it with the same foot that had a strained ankle the day before. The good thing was the numbness from the icy water and snow kept the pain from being too bad for a while.

If I was an astronaut, you could bet I'd be the one tumbling into a black hole while the others stood around awkwardly, wondering if it was worth it to risk opening a portal to a hell dimension in order to rescue me. Bastards.

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